Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Randomize
