He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
