i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
