eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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