My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
