im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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