Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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