id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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