Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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