dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
