i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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