I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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