saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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