I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
