I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
