i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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