i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
