Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
