Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
