just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
