My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
