my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
