Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
