oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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