i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I checked into jail on foursquare
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
