I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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