just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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