So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
