he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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