omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
