My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
