Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
