Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
