you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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