i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
