Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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