Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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