he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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