He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
