last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
