I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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