I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
