I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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