Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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