he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
