bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
