you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
