I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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