Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
