The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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