I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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