You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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