'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
